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Sunday, December 05, 2010

Trials of an estranged father ~ aches and pains of the dad's heart.

Myself sharing my love with one of our nieces, Baby.


I seldom speak about my personal life. You know..about those who do mean a lot to me. Besides my wife, I do care a lot for my kids. 


Stayed patiently being married for 14 long years before just for the sake of my son and  daughter. When things got too complicated between myself and their mom, I had no choice but to call it a day.


I gave up my rights to our home so that my children will not be of want. I gave up practically everything I ever had so that they will get to live. I did all that because I loved my kids more than anything else at that time in my life! 


It's been almost 10 years now since I divorced their  mom. Remarried in 2002 and living a blissful life now with my darling wife. We may not be living a life filled with luxury but one thing for sure is that we live a blissful life filled with love. Free from angst and heartaches due to distrust and suspicions or abuse, either physically or those of the mental type. Alhamdulillah.


I have had contact with my son when he studied here in Selangor a couple of years back. Supported him with finances whenever he needed them. Only with my daughter have I not been able to reestablish contact since I last saw her in 2002.


Now, since she's studying in a local university, I do get messages from her every now and then but the rapport and love is just not there. The many years of living apart from each other has taken a toll on our relationship. She has been raised to hate her dad and I don't totally blame her.


How would she know how much this old man loves her and her brother? One doesn't expect a 9 year old child back then to be able to gauge as to the various reasons her father was forced to leave her and her brother in order to carry on living? 


How would she know that she was being held ransom in order to force me to live a life devoid of love just for the sake of putting up a false front of an unhappy marriage with her mom?


I do not need to go into detail as to how miserable my life back then had been in trying to cope with an overly suspicious, constantly quarrelsome deranged spouse and yet remain there for the sake of my kids who meant the world to me?


Yet I do believe that those who were and are in the same circumstances that I found myself to be in back then can actually relate to what I am sharing aloud here in this never before outpouring of an estranged father who misses his beloved child very much to this day and yet can't get to be with her due to the daughter's vendetta against her dad!


Love can't be forced. This I know from my years of living my life and dealing with so many people and their own stories of living life, loved and unforeseen tragedies that whacked each and everyone of them to the core of their existence.


Many sought my counsel and advice not knowing that I too have my own fair share of heartaches and despair of losing contact with my son and daughter. I don't usually unload my miseries unto others save for a select few who have come to know and befriend me for who I really am and not for the larger than life kick ass blogger many perceive me to be?


I'm just as human as any other person out there but I have my own way of looking at things and how to deal with them? Yet when it comes to receiving some snide remarks from your own flesh and blood because you left her when she was just a little girl who needed her father so much then, you don't feel good in your heart. 


As the saying goes, it takes a father to know how much it hurts when your beloved offspring shoots off her mouth like that where it is only you and her who know what's really going on?


I can choose to just put up a false front and emotional facade and pretend that she doesn't matter and just go on living my own life but the truth of the matter is that deep down inside of my heart, she's right there skewering me with the dagger of emotional guilt and making me suffer from missing her so much!


All I have of my recollection of her is her being the sweet little daughter of mine who meant the whole world to me but now, she's hitting out to me with words that cut away at my heart and seems to revel doing so.


Well, in case she's reading this, I just want her to know that I love her with all my heart and no matter what, she's my child, forever and ever.


She might think that it's cool for her to hurt her father with her words as she has been prone to doing lately but I just want her to know that her dad's a tough old dude and he's been through worse.


All I wish for her is to be safe and successful in all that she does and that she will be blessed in her life.


Ameen.


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