Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Key to a long life -Marry the right partner or die miserably!
There are many people out there who are suffering needlessly for two major reasons -they married the wrong person and for the wrong reasons!
Marriage is not something that one can undo like a typo error by clicking the 'undo button'.This reality is not something pleasant that many would want to admit or reflect upon. People marry for the wrong reasons. I have come across many friends who did just that and are suffering miserably to this second.
The problem is further aggravated when such wrongly married couples have children. The children are innocent but the marriage becomes a living nightmare because of the underlying emotional stress, tension and seething enmity between the couple, giving vent to endless bickering, quarrels and at times violent fights between them. As a result, everyone in the family suffers...all because of a hasty decision to marry each other in the first place.
This problem transcends all ethnicities, faiths and social status or positions. Life for mismatched couples who married for the wrong reasons becomes a living, torturous hell for both. Like having a fishbone stuck in one's throat. You can't spit or swallow!
I am writing about this based on personal experiences and also from observing or trying to help friends and associates who suffered or suffer the same.
How does one undo an unhappy marriage?
At a very heavy price of course. In my case, I lost everything I ever had including my two precious children, whom I love so very much that I endured such a miserable existence with my former spouse just for them. I don't want to go deeper into that or even say that I wasn't totally at fault either. No one is perfect. This is a reality and we should all accept that.
Only Allah the Almighty is perfect and forever is so. We are ordinary beings, created with our plus and minus attributes, characteristics and acquired or chosen likes and dislikes
I have come to know many people online who after becoming close friends would disclose to me of their troubles and confide in me as to their unhappy marriages. As a friend and a Caller to Islam, I try to advice them and help them out.
Not all unhappy marriages end up at the divorce courts. If the offending party or spouse can realize what or where they are doing wrong and work towards reconciliation by being willing to work hard to save their marriage, the marriage can still be salvaged and improved. Failing which, well the choice to split is always there.
Might as well cut off and extricate oneself from a living nightmare of a failed marriage then to die brokenhearted and miserable.
Life is short. Why the hell should one suffer unnecessarily or cause another to suffer because of us? Marriage is a two way relationship and needs to have mutual effort from both husband and wife to make it work.
If one party is not bothered to keep up their part of their promise to love the other and do all that he or she can to live happily with the other, why carry on with the lie?
A report today in Yahoo News triggered me to write about this unhappy cause of many to suffer heart attacks, diseases, stress and other life threatening complications as a result of bad marriages and having chosen the wrong life partner!
It is true that in a divorce, it is the children who suffer but if one wants to avoid dying miserably out of frustrations and total misery, then one has to go through the process of separation.
Like getting rid of a vicious cancer, one has to suffer an operation to excise and extricate the cancerous tumor in one's life or just drop dead very soon! There's just no other choice. You either do it or die! Straight forward. No beating about the bush in this case. Really!
It is for these reasons that many choose to remain single today. They are scared of ending up like their suffering friends. Some get hurt so severely by spousal abuse that many end up killing themselves, go mad or end up as a severely depressed half dead individual. Life can be pretty mean to those who screwed up by marrying the wrong persons.
History records so many cases of such loveless marriages which ends up in brutal murder and other unsavory finale to their miserable life's.
There are many young people today who engage in premarital sex and end up getting pregnant. Such a forbidden liaison usually forces the young offenders to either go and abort the fetus or marry out of desperation in order to avoid embarrassment to both parties and their families.
Marrying like that will usually end up in the rocks for their union was one of lustful stir of the moment passion and not true love and commitment to each other. The young couple who married in such a way will be always bickering between themselves for causing the other to be forced to submit to and live together whilst detesting their marriage.
Adultery often becomes a choice for such couples to be an outlet for their frustrations and in our community, this is a sad reality that takes place as we speak. The rising sex related offenses in the Malay community bears witness to this tragedies.
It all boils down to unhappiness suffered by couples who married for the wrong reasons and seek an easy way out to placate their troubled hearts and minds by going for such unlawful relationships.
This choice is further made easy by the lackluster enforcement of the Islamic Syaria Laws of this nation where half baked versions of laws are made by the ruling UMNO led BN government in denying the implementation of Allah's Laws and they come up with their own cock and bull laws which have been proven to stop the rot in the society especially in the Malay Muslim community.
In my research, I came across a site which offers private investigation services. An excerpt from their site here is so very apt and worth reading.
Their page on Adultery / Divorce says :
" Any successful relationship is built upon a foundation of respect and trust. If either of these principals are missing, damaged or in question, the relationship is heading for serious trouble. While absolute evidence is not always immediately available, often, a 'gut feeling' is the first indication of a cheating partner."
Couples cheat on each other for a reason. Lack of attention or fulfillment of the basic physical need -lawful sex between husband and wife. Sometimes the problem is due to the lack of emotional ties between husband and wife based on the basis of their marital union.
When couples are married to satisfy the urges of parents for economic reasons, the couple suffer internally because they didn't love each other and got married just to make their parents happy!
This problem exists to this day in many countries. Its worse in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh for over there, the matter of providing dowry falls upon the bride and not the groom.
I am sure that many of you have heard of the many cases of 'kitchen accidents' involving the burning alive of many poor unfortunate brides who couldn't satisfy the financial demands of their in laws.
'Burning brides' is the name and to many who have died or suffered near fatal burnings, it is not a game.
The Government of India as passed laws such as the 'Dowry Laws' forbidding the demanding of dowries from the bride's family but recalcitrants amongst the subcontinent's people still do not give a hoot about such prohibitions and continue to torture and torment the poor brides who fail to pay up!
At times, I come across many Indian Muslim fathers from India who shamelessly come here to beg from the Indian Muslim business community contributions to save up for the dowries of their daughters.
'Qomerre Qariyum' is the Tamil term that they use when they come to beg from the Indian Muslim community here and most of our Indian Muslim traders will just give what they can spare. It means 'Unmarried Daughter's Affair' and is an understood terminology between the Indian Muslims that this father is here seeking donations to fulfill his daughter's dowry needs.
It is forbidden in Islam for males to demand dowries from their brides but the idiots in the Indian Muslim community of India, Pakistan and Bangladesh still do so to this day.
An example of a typical Indian Muslim wedding is shown here. I hope that the featured wedding is one that is blessed and may they both live happily in love ever after. Ameen.
Back to the subject matter. The demanding of exorbitant dowries are a major heart breaker of many fathers in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and other similar cultured countries.
All these unnecessary demands for dowries and other material problems add on to the misery of mismatched couples and there are billions of such suffering folks on Earth from days gone by, in the present and also in the future.
Sometimes couples cheat on each other because of their spouse's illnesses and inabilities to provide the needs of the other. This is not an excuse to qualify any spouse to go commit adultery on such grounds but society knows that many do so on this pretext.
What is life? Its just a temporal phase in one's time frame here on Earth and before one realizes it, one's life comes to an end. Some die in peace and honor. Some die miserably in shame and misery.
Some are caught in a situation where outwardly they seem alive but internally they have died long, long ago when they were forced to marry someone who turned out to be their worst enemy in their life.
To those who are about to marry or plan to, my advice is , make sure that you are making the right decision and choosing the right one for marriage can be either bliss and heaven on earth for you or you can end up in the worst nightmare of your life, in living reality.
Choose wisely and check his or her background in depth for an overlooked factor can be the death knell for you.
Usually, problematic people tend to put up a false front portraying that they are so holy moly and well mannered just to impress their chosen target, in order to work their way into their chosen quarry's heart and mind.
Hell breaks loose once they have got their quarry to sing on the dotted line and made their conquest complete and official. Then the nightmare begins....until and unless the victim gathers up the courage and willpower to break away and sever the relationship before God Almighty and according to the laws of the land.
Many poor souls unfortunately fail to get away clean and they end up devastated emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually and die away, suffering miserably by each passing second.
I hope that those reading this will not have to suffer unnecessarily out of ignorance of their rights. Where there's a will, Insya Allah, there will always be a way. Only thing is that you have got to do it yourself. No one will bother to come save you from your predicament.
If it is to be, it is up to you yourself. Trust me. I did just that. I may not have recouped my life in totality but at least i am still here for if not I dare say that I would have died many years back if not for my self determination and belief in myself and the Will of God!
Live well and choose wisely.
My prayers are for your wellbeing and salvation in holy matrimony. May you be happy always!
Ameen. Ya Rabbal Alameen.