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Sunday, December 05, 2010

Trials of an estranged father ~ aches and pains of the dad's heart.

Myself sharing my love with one of our nieces, Baby.


I seldom speak about my personal life. You know..about those who do mean a lot to me. Besides my wife, I do care a lot for my kids. 


Stayed patiently being married for 14 long years before just for the sake of my son and  daughter. When things got too complicated between myself and their mom, I had no choice but to call it a day.


I gave up my rights to our home so that my children will not be of want. I gave up practically everything I ever had so that they will get to live. I did all that because I loved my kids more than anything else at that time in my life! 


It's been almost 10 years now since I divorced their  mom. Remarried in 2002 and living a blissful life now with my darling wife. We may not be living a life filled with luxury but one thing for sure is that we live a blissful life filled with love. Free from angst and heartaches due to distrust and suspicions or abuse, either physically or those of the mental type. Alhamdulillah.


I have had contact with my son when he studied here in Selangor a couple of years back. Supported him with finances whenever he needed them. Only with my daughter have I not been able to reestablish contact since I last saw her in 2002.


Now, since she's studying in a local university, I do get messages from her every now and then but the rapport and love is just not there. The many years of living apart from each other has taken a toll on our relationship. She has been raised to hate her dad and I don't totally blame her.


How would she know how much this old man loves her and her brother? One doesn't expect a 9 year old child back then to be able to gauge as to the various reasons her father was forced to leave her and her brother in order to carry on living? 


How would she know that she was being held ransom in order to force me to live a life devoid of love just for the sake of putting up a false front of an unhappy marriage with her mom?


I do not need to go into detail as to how miserable my life back then had been in trying to cope with an overly suspicious, constantly quarrelsome deranged spouse and yet remain there for the sake of my kids who meant the world to me?


Yet I do believe that those who were and are in the same circumstances that I found myself to be in back then can actually relate to what I am sharing aloud here in this never before outpouring of an estranged father who misses his beloved child very much to this day and yet can't get to be with her due to the daughter's vendetta against her dad!


Love can't be forced. This I know from my years of living my life and dealing with so many people and their own stories of living life, loved and unforeseen tragedies that whacked each and everyone of them to the core of their existence.


Many sought my counsel and advice not knowing that I too have my own fair share of heartaches and despair of losing contact with my son and daughter. I don't usually unload my miseries unto others save for a select few who have come to know and befriend me for who I really am and not for the larger than life kick ass blogger many perceive me to be?


I'm just as human as any other person out there but I have my own way of looking at things and how to deal with them? Yet when it comes to receiving some snide remarks from your own flesh and blood because you left her when she was just a little girl who needed her father so much then, you don't feel good in your heart. 


As the saying goes, it takes a father to know how much it hurts when your beloved offspring shoots off her mouth like that where it is only you and her who know what's really going on?


I can choose to just put up a false front and emotional facade and pretend that she doesn't matter and just go on living my own life but the truth of the matter is that deep down inside of my heart, she's right there skewering me with the dagger of emotional guilt and making me suffer from missing her so much!


All I have of my recollection of her is her being the sweet little daughter of mine who meant the whole world to me but now, she's hitting out to me with words that cut away at my heart and seems to revel doing so.


Well, in case she's reading this, I just want her to know that I love her with all my heart and no matter what, she's my child, forever and ever.


She might think that it's cool for her to hurt her father with her words as she has been prone to doing lately but I just want her to know that her dad's a tough old dude and he's been through worse.


All I wish for her is to be safe and successful in all that she does and that she will be blessed in her life.


Ameen.


8 comments:

Maarof said...

I am really touched by your story. I never thought that you are suffering. It made me think how lucky I am. I am still with the same wife for 37 years and my children don't hate me. But we always have Allah to love us.

bujai said...

salam bro,

i deeply moved as i know how and what you feel right now. in life, we win some, we lose some but in this case, one tends to lose more than what he gains.

kita perlu banyak bersabar, pray to Allah semoga your daughter sees the light. sometimes life really sucks but there is always a 'zat of Allah' in it.

i do hope your daughter, if she reads this comment - sedarlah, baik-buruknya seorang ibu atau ayah, mereka tetapi ibu bapa kita. siapalah kita tanpa mereka. amat beruntung mereka yang masih mempunyai ibu dan ayah. take a look at those without parents. you are a girl... you need a wali to get married. jadilah seorang insan yang mampu menerima ibu bapa dalam keadaan mereka yang sebenar. i have seen many similar cases. bila bapa kita meninggal, kita meratap di kubur mereka sebab kita kesal kerana gagal menggunakan kesempatan untuk meminta maaf dan memaafkan mereka. biar setnggi langit pun kejayaan kita, tidak akan ada ertinya jika kita gagal menerima hakikat ini dan mengakui betapa besarnya pengorbanan ibu bapa, walapun untuk sekelip mata. as you are still young, pls open up your mind and heart to accept him. setiap orang ada buat silap but what your dad did was unavoidable. think about it. you carry his name until the day you leave this world...

bro,
i will pray for you...

MAHAGURU58 said...

Wa'alaikumsalam and thank you my dear beloved brothers.

As fathers, you understand exactly what I am going through?

I did what I had to do and would not hesitate to sacrifice my life for my loved ones.

She thinks that she is free to hurt me as she pleases but she forgets that soon, I will be no more.

No point in regretting then.

There are many young people out there who ask to be my adopted sons and daughters and many of them keep in touch with me online.

Sometimes one doesn't know what one has till it is taken away from them.

I can only say that I leave my destiny to Him Who Knows me best!

Thanks for your support dear Tuan Haji Maarof and Bujai.

You are both in my prayers as well.

May Allah bless you both for your support.

Ameen.

rahman said...

salam tuan.

I am deeply touched by what you have narrated here.

I personally know how you feel being forced to seperate from your lil' ones, being so near yet so far from them, and dying each moment inside missing them.

You see sir, I am a young divorcee as well. My marriage only lasted for 2 years. we divorced when I was just 29 years old and had a 9 month old daughter that needed all my love and protection the most at that time.

It was a love marriage. We were in love for a solid 5 years, 3 years in campus and another 2 years while working before we decided to tie the knot. It was so bautiful in the beginning but turns into a living hell just 2 months after our marriage. barely in the first two months of our marriage, she was already asking for the famous,"Ceraikan aku!" countless time every time we had an argument even in the smallest quarrel. It was like a living 'cerekerama' for me daily...I dreaded going home as I was wondering what the fight for the day issue would be. She hated my parents too but pretended infront of them as if she respects and love them. Every time they (my parents)come to my house, I would become the victim of verbal and emotional abuse upstairs without my parents knowing. I had to actually pretend and act in my working place and infront of my family and friends out of denial that my marriage is crumbling.

The only entertainment I got was to play with my daughter every day I came back tired from her, with a background of endless nagging registered by my brain as 'noise'.

I loved my ex with all my heart and never had i once looked or felt for another woman as I had for her. All her necessities were all taken cared off. She wants gold, I buy for her gold. She wants a house, I bought for her a house. I personally even performed an epidural analgesia (I am a doctor and so is she) on her so that she does not feel the labour pain when we were expecting our only child.

I even went to Umrah in 2007 praying that my ex would be sane and become the wife that I actually had dreamt to be. 3 months after I came from Umrah, she packed her bags and left with my daughter. I went to her parents house many times as I missed them both despite knowing exactly that my marriage is in shambles and that my effort is vain. Nevertheless i continued hoping.

rahman said...

salam tuan.

I am deeply touched by what you have narrated here.

I personally know how you feel being forced to seperate from your lil' ones, being so near yet so far from them, and dying each moment inside missing them.

You see sir, I am a young divorcee as well. My marriage only lasted for 2 years. we divorced when I was just 29 years old and had a 9 month old daughter that needed all my love and protection the most at that time.

It was a love marriage. We were in love for a solid 5 years, 3 years in campus and another 2 years while working before we decided to tie the knot. It was so bautiful in the beginning but turns into a living hell just 2 months after our marriage. barely in the first two months of our marriage, she was already asking for the famous,"Ceraikan aku!" countless time every time we had an argument even in the smallest quarrel. It was like a living 'cerekerama' for me daily...I dreaded going home as I was wondering what the fight for the day issue would be. She hated my parents too but pretended infront of them as if she respects and love them. Every time they (my parents)come to my house, I would become the victim of verbal and emotional abuse upstairs without my parents knowing. I had to actually pretend and act in my working place and infront of my family and friends out of denial that my marriage is crumbling.

rahman said...

The only entertainment I got was to play with my daughter every day I came back tired from her, with a background of endless nagging registered by my brain as 'noise'.

I loved my ex with all my heart and never had i once looked or felt for another woman as I had for her. All her necessities were all taken cared off. She wants gold, I buy for her gold. She wants a house, I bought for her a house. I personally even performed an epidural analgesia (I am a doctor and so is she) on her so that she does not feel the labour pain when we were expecting our only child.

I even went to Umrah in 2007 praying that my ex would be sane and become the wife that I actually had dreamt to be. 3 months after I came from Umrah, she packed her bags and left with my daughter. I went to her parents house many times as I missed them both despite knowing exactly that my marriage is in shambles and that my effort is vain. Nevertheless i continued hoping.

She served me with divorce letters and her claims from me ammounted to around 60K. It was a messy divorce. Like you, my daughter was held ransom. I was not allowed to see my daughter until all the papers and claims were cleared. It took 8 months for all the divorce, harta sepencarian and hak hadanh anak to settle. By that time, I was forced to sign an agreement that is totally unfair on my part. The syariah law in Mlaysia is totally favours women. A father can never have the custody on his child unless the mother is a Murtad, has Akhlak problem like a prostitute or drunkard or she is physically unfit to care for the child like terminally ill or crazy. So I had to agree just for a mere 4 days and 3 nights per month turn with my daughter. On top of that, I was promised that I could visit my daughter any time but must have my ex's permission.

rahman said...

You know what? That permission is never granted and I have to plead, beg, appeal, cry just to see and spend a few moments with my daughter. Many times have I not been able to see my daughter and on some occasions...when I went to the house after informing her, the house is empty as the entire family abducts to a place far far away and unknown to me. It is extremely painful that you get cheated and opressed in such a way.

Numerous police report was made until one day I decided enough is enough and filed for another custody challange in court. It has been more than a year now and there has been no progress. The Malaysian Syariah system moves as slow as a 'siput babi'.Justice is denied passively for me. On top of that, the defendants(my ex and her lawyer) always put up an 'Anwar Ibrahim Stunt'...asking for postponement and ridiculous reasons to delay the case. The only positive effect is that my ex is less abusive towards me as there is a court case pending.

My relationship with my daughter is Alhamdulillah extremely good. She misses me always just like I do and always waits eagerly each time for my visits. On top of that, I would try to spend to speak to her on the phone and play with her over the phone daily without fail..each sessions would take up to 20 minutes before being interrupted by her side. She is 4 years old now and my only prayer is that I could minimize the side effect of our divorce to as minimal as possible for her. My ex is always fearful to see our bond and love so close and whenever possible tries to be an obstacle to that in many ways. She even tries to poison my daughter's mind by saying that I am a bad guy. But Alhamdulillah...so far, she is not buying.

rahman said...

In this era of information technology, my ex uses facebook and almost every media accessible to her to demonize me to our friends.Many have actually became distant from me as they believe her side of story. But none had actually come and asked my side of story... I dont know what exactly she is not satisfied, it was a divorce that she filed and i simply just obliged. What's the fuss?

It is almost 3 years know since our divorce and I am happy with my life. I do hope that I will be as lucky as you to find a wife, but so far I have found none.

I notice from your pictures that you and me pray at the same mosque in Permaisuri. That makes us in the same qariah. We share many similar factors including cultural background. Would really love to meet you personally. I believ you could advice me many thing about life.

Wasalam.

(sorry...I have to break the comments...can't seem to send it at one go)